Monday, July 13, 2009

I Tried

I was sent this e-mail today:

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the

'What kind of man are you looking for?'

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye & asking, 'Do you really want to know?'

Reluctantly, he said, 'Yes.

She began to expound, 'As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself?

I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...
or woman for that matter.

I am in the position to ask, 'What can you bring to the table?'

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought & stated, 'I am not referring to money. I need something more.
I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, & asked her to explain.

She said, 'I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.

I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.

I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden.

I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.

I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man.

I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God.

I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him.

I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.

And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.

When she finished her spill, she looked at him.

He sat there with a puzzled look on his face . He said, 'You are asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot".

The problem that I have with this e-mail is that it implies a certain amount of perfection and arrogance in women and an implied amount of ignorance and superficial thought pattern in men. As if men are always deficient and on the wrong page when it comes to women and we are saying and doing all the wrong things, until that certain woman comes along and gives us that mental pep talk so we can straighten up and do right. It kinda pisses me off. Men and women are in the same boat and we both can benefit from a little more patience and understand in regards to the opposite sex. Ultimatums and condescension aren't useful tools. For the women that send this or read it and say, "Right on, girl."; you have to pause before you put yourself in the role of the woman speaking. Are you as pristine, focused, and perfect as she claims? The fine line that she is expecting this man to walk is also the tightrope that she has confined herself to. It seems idiotic to place expectations on another hoping that by doing so, he can help you to achieve those lofty heights. Instead of using unrealistic caricatures as the guide, use your intuition, and take time to meet and know a person. Stiff rigid guidelines will not help you from being hurt or save you from taking the time to get to know someone. If the only way you can feel whole, is by looking down on your better half; an chain e-mail isn't gonna help your journey through life anyway. But that's just my opinion though, and who the hell am I?


My Two Cents said...

The poem is biblical. You hate religion so I can understand you hating anything that may seem like guidelines.

When two people that are in a relationship, they must first understand they are still individuals working on themselves even in a relationship together.
They still have to know and believe in who they are. They must be whole within themselves. Not saying we don't have some insecurities and flaws because we do and we will. What I'm saying is that we are aware of those insecurities and flaws and we are working them out indivdually.

I believe in a woman/man completing each other. The gifts/talents that we both possess will enhance one another. That is what completion means. Mine plus Yours completes and makes us whole. Problem is, we both have to be whole. Two half's in a relationship will never make a whole relationship.

This poem is not saying you are walking around ignorant and wrong and we women are aggroant and have to fix you up. I hope I don't come across as aggroant.

I'm simply sure and confident of myself but never aggroant. I know what I want, I have insecurities and flaws just like you.

Let the truth be told: That the poem values you as a man. If you knew who you are, you would understand that the strength is in you. You would boldly state how you qualify and stand on those qualities.

That there are many men who are single and engage in multiple sex partners. Those types of men will never find the right woman suitable for him. Why? Because Multiple women will confuse him. Too many women in one ear will always bring upon mass confusion.

This day and age and having a fearless black leader, it's time for our men to take a stand. Step up and recognize that women are more then just p***y and oral sex.

Women are tired of getting beat down mentally and emotionally. Women are tired of getting hurt and finding themselves in a relationship by themselves. Yep, we are needing a man that is whole. One who knows how to menatlly, spirtually emotionally, physically and fincaially be our King.

Stella said...

Food for thought: Two people should compliment one another. Mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, sexually, spiritually and financially. If you don't qualify, I guess it would piss a person off.

You call me aggroant because I know what I want.
You call me weak, when I let down my guard and allow you in.
You call me too strong when I say to you "what can you do for me that I can't do for myself"?

I myself call it, Do you qualify?

Adria said...

If the person that sent you this email is soooooo worthy of all the bullshit she (yes, she, cuz dudes don't send this sentimental garbage) relays in this message and thinks that she really doesn't NEED a man, then the whole message itself is just that, bullshit. Contradictory bullshit. I don't need a man blah blah blah, I do everything my damn self. yada yada yada. Then why the message???? Why is she still waiting on him "to find her" which it is worded that way because the author is probably middle-aged, still hasn't found Mr Right and doesn't wanna seem desparate by sending a young man like yourself this email by saying she is "looking". Give it up people! People over-evaluate relationships or lack-there-of trying to figure out why THEY are alone. It wasn't chance that YOU received this email. it was huge gigantic slap up side the head hint. someone is trying tell you they think you are the one that can bring something to there table. It is ridiculous that therer are so many women out their that think theyt are alone because they are worthy of some prince charming that they just haven't found yet!!! BULLSHIT! Deal with this, maybe you aren't worthy! Maybe the man you are looking for is sooooo much more content with being alone and providing for himself that he don't need a woman! Especially one that has herself so far up on a pedastool that he couldn't reach her ass if he climb the highest ladder. Ladies, we are NOT perfect, none of us are! We are not special, we do not deserve better than what we are ourselves. Get over it and wuit putting so much bolgna into trying to figure shit out! Relationships aren't all mooons and stars and philosopical malarky. They are very basic and require 4 things to work.
1. you 2 need to want to sleep next to each other at night, every night, with FEW exceptions.
2. You need to make each other laugh, belly bustin laughter, at anything!
3. The man needs to enjoy watching his woman enjoy a meal.
4. The sex life must exist, and it MUST be good. And if you are right for each other, size, time length and all that will just work. To quote City of Angels, you will fit together. It will feel right. It won't feel like a booty call.

The rest will fall together. If it was meant to be, it would be already.

But mostly, whoever wrote that email, and all the women who agree with it, need to GET OVER THEMSELVES!!!!! If you are so damn worthy, why are you still single????????????
Your single because you expect too much. If we are gonna say this is biblical, lets then keep in mind, that the Bible makes it clear that nobody is perfect. Not you or the man you are waiting on "to find you".
These perfect strong willed woman finds a man of equal value, only happens in the movies....MOVE ON!

My Two Cents said...

Wise Up. Understand that women are simply tired.
Understand that a woman is more than p***y or oral.

No one is waiting around for Mr. Right. I'm enjoying the sex just as he is but there is more to a woman than p***y and oral.

A man can still be happily single taking care of his own and be involved in a relationship. A man doesn't stay single and disrespect women by having multiple sex partners. There is still a line of respect.

So, don't prejudge the comment or post. Some women are alone because they choose to be. Some women just are sick and tired of taking krap from swagger men.

Get real and understand either you are going to be in a relationship or accept the man will have multiple partners until he changes and wants a relationship.

A relationship requires commitment, communication, respect and trust. The laughter, fun, and sex will be there. You got it backwards.

In light of your comment, You do deserve to be treated as a special woman. You do deserve to give of yourselve and receive it all back. YES, YOU DO DESERVE. Worthy, obviously not. You can't even imagine a man treating you as the one and only. If you can't see him treating you right, then why should he.

Which would you prefer? A swagger playa or a man that you can trust, respect, love and honor.
Wise up.

Jessica said...

Are we assuming that "Adria" is not in a realtionship and that the blog author has multiple sex partners????? I'm soooooo confused? But I have to agree with "Adria", keep it basic and if its meant to be everything will come natural, you shouldn't have to work so hard for a good realtionship that is MEANT to be. If it IS meant to be all that "stuff" will just be automatic. The first thing that connected my husband and I was our senses of humor. We laugh all the time. Even if a fight ensues, 13 yrs together, a joke of some sort breaks the ice and things start to mend themselves. Just my experience though. Good Luck Ladies!
P.S. If you have a man in mind, but something about him needs to change for you to be with him, then he isn't your man.

Jessica said...

sorry, typos, jittery from the red bull.....

Adria said...

My Two Cents...i understand where you are coming from, i just don't think that women always putting it out there that it is the men that are making it difficult for women to find the right one and be able to settle down and live the suzy-homemaker-but-still-bringing-home-her-own bacon lifestyle is a fair judgement. We're all entitled to one, take it or leave it. I am a strong person, who has made it on my own in the past. The problem with women who try so hard to come off so strong is that men and women don't think alike. When a man hears women saying I did this myself and did that myself and make my money and take care of myself, blah blah blah...this is what he really hears "i'm a bitch, i'm a bitch, i'm a bitch"....AND NOT THAT YOU ARE or any of us are, but that is what a man hears. ---LET ME BE CLEAR, I DID NOT CALL ANYONE A BITCH---. He doesn't hear how wonderful and strong you are. Its just mother nature. A man needs to be needed. He wants to be needed. Example: Sure you can change your ceiling fan light yourself, you've done it before. but lets say your potential man has stopped by, ask him to change it for you since he can reach it easier, or whatever reason you need. Watch his chest puff up and his confidence grow over something as silly as a light bulb, just because he was needed. Its biological. Testosterone and Estrogen or going in opposite directions....if they weren't none of us would be having this conversation. I believe its OK to be confident and proud of your independence and accomplishments, but using them to challenge a man to be your lover...well, all i can say is: how's that working out for you????
I also understand that all of these comments are just our opinions. That's why the leader of this pack ends his blogs with "that's just my opinion but who the hell am i?"

Crystal said...

Damn! You hit a nerve with that one. All I have to say about it is that the guy should have looked that woman dead in the eye and said "And what can YOU offer ME?" Good for her for knowing exactly what she wants, but noone will ever fill all that criteria.

Stella said...

Exactly! Both parties have to bring something to the relationship. Again, I revert right back to: two people have to compliment each other.

I almost let this slip by without responding. "Relationships" require work. Bottom line. No two people can fill "ALL" the voids.

Fun, laughter, sex is to me secondary.

I divorced my husband after 17 years of marriage. It wasn't because of fun (there was plenty), laughter (he was a character and kept you belly aching), sex was Grrrreeeeaat, if you don't believe me hey,(ask almost any woman in wheeling)

I divorced him after "17 years" because of drugs, alochol, abuse, infidelty, trust, commitment, respect and love.

Although he has done his dirt, I forgave him. We can laugh together still have a moment of fun together. I just saw him over the weekend out in a club, he got me a drink told his little joke of me being out; we laughed and I left.

The fun we had, the laughter we shared didn't/doesn't keep you in a relationship.

I agree The book of Steve Harvey "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" does states a man has to feel needed and the simplest thing of changing a lightbulb has his chest raised. But, what it doesn't state is that a man has to want to be needed.

I think we all as women have some great points and valid opinions.

Bottom line. You can't fill all the requirements. But you have to wanna try.

Check out my site and feel free to make comments. I found a great poem from a woman asking a man "Do you qualify" and the response from the man. It is awesome and It is so enlightening and it makes you think. If you can, check it out.

Jessica said...

I read Stella's poem...ironically it sounds just like But Who The Hell.....'s email, just written differently???????? Coincidence I guess.

Adria said...

Do men even really read these things anyway?

CoJack said...

When are you women gonna get it? This angry, we are sick of being treated like this, crying is getting old. This "Independent Woman" movement is annoying. Be independent, we dont care. Men run a high risk in putting themselves out there also. You think it's easier for a man to believe in a woman. You are no different. Woman who get treated as just p***y and/or oral sex, guess what you did it to yourself. A strong woman would never become that. Guys might want it dont mean it will happen. A woman with such anger and aggressiveness towards men end up with some soft ass man who does everything you say but you see what he does when you need him to be a man and defend you. You want to be treated better than men or equal? Seems to me you want to run a man. Maybe your misques with men are just that YOUR MISQUES.

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