Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Love Checklist

There are many things that I have done and continue to do wrong, in relationships. The newest one I've learned; I'm calling "The Love Checklist". When someone tells me that they love me, for some odd reason, my first instinct it to pull out what I call my "Love Checklist" in my mind. I begin to check off all of the things that a person in love, should or shouldn't do. This is usually a successful attempt to push the other person away or to side step their feelings until I can figure out what mine are. I realized that this is a very bad habit. One that needs broken. Who am I to think that I have some blueprint for how someone in love thinks or behaves? It takes alot of nerve to look at some one and say, "How can you say you love me if you did this?" or "How can you say you love me if you didn't do that?". Maybe they have a better and healthier definition of love than you. Maybe they have a better blueprint. Maybe it will do you some good to follow, in a relationship rather than lead. Let the other person sculpt the piece and then all you have to do is enjoy it. It's obvious the other person has a better grasp on their feelings, because they are expressing them to you. Maybe it all comes back to trust. The next time someone tells you that they love you, and you feel ready, I think you should let them show you their definition of love. Start from the moment they say it, though. Don't try to backtrack and disprove them. Once the L- Word comes up, give them a clean slate. Let them write and explain their definition. Once you have it. then you can see if you can live with that definition of love. See if it is enough to satisfy you and sustain you. If it is, enjoy the ride. If not, explain to them that it is too much or not enough. But by all means, DO NOT tell a person that they don't know what they feel or that your version of love is the only acceptable definition. But that's just my opinion though, and who the hell am I?


MJ lives under my bed! said...

Get rid of "The Love Checklist"! The only thing you need to think about when someone tells you that they love you is; are you happy when you are with this person, how do they make you feel? Does this person make you laugh? Do you have fun when you are with this person? Do you find yourself thinking of this person for no reason and smiling? When you start a new relationship you need to forget all the crap that your exes have done to you, all the crap that you have done to your exes and start fresh with this new person. It will never work if you base your new relationship on what happened in your past relationships! And if she feels ready to tell you that she loves you then she has already been showing you what her definition of love is. No one follows and no one leads in a relationship, you are in it together!

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should have just let her love you.

Anonymous said...

It's like telling someone you love them and then expecting them to change. It just doesn't make any sense. I think you either know you do or you don't.

Crystal said...

Speaking as someone who was badly burned in her last relationship (marriage ending infidelity), only to have the next person she trusted turn out to be an emotionally and physically abusive lunatic, I dont have much belief in love. When I hear I love you, I now wonder what the individual wants from me, shut down completely, become suspicious of any motives they may have for saying it, or all of the above. Whether you did the hurting, or if you were hurt, love is a hard thing to fall back into. I must point out, though, that out there exist what I call "love whores" - that is, people who don't feel complete unless they are "in Love" and throw around the phrase like its as easy as saying "hello". I now reserve the phrase for those people who I know truly mean it when they return the phrase, such as family and great friends. I honestly believe that true love does not exist except between a parent and their child. Call me jaded, I know I am.

Anonymous said...

Love is a difficult emotion. Love in my opinion is suppose to grow and make the relationship stronger
It does have limits and it does have boundaries. In order to fall in love you have to be willing to love that person in a way that defeats all- meaning don’t expect the person to love you the way you wish to be loved, allow that person to love you in a unique and satisfying way which cannot be compared to any love you have had present past future

Anonymous said...

Something about your wording compels me to throw in a couple cents here Partner ;)

Saying "I love you" and being "IN LOVE" are not always synonymous (to everyone).
I can tell in a short amount of time if I love someone. In my mind, loving you means I care deeply for your well-being and am happy you are in my world. Being in love is an entirely different realm for me. I have no problem saying "I love you" and mean it when I do.

Don't run if you hear "I love you" .... it could just be another way of saying "I care"


Tamara said...

I believe "I Love you" is a great thing...too many people, take far too much effort to hate instead of love.
Accept the blessing if someone is "loving" you...as anonymous stated: Love has many interpretations, like saying "I care".
Love should be ineffable and unconditional by all definitions; that is why it can not be compared.

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